in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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