I'm really into asian looking animals
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
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