Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
