u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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