i just sent this text using only my big toe
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
