I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
