Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
