Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
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You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
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hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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