So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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