Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
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