she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
