you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
