I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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