Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize