I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
