Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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