I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
