Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
