She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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