Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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