dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
