im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
