Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
