You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
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