i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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