***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
