Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
The feeling are messing with the penis
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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