apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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