I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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