omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
