a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
