Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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