Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
