Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
worst night to have a conscience
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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