I haven't been this sober since birth.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
