well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
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