we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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