My underwear smells like fireworks.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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