so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
