I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
