Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
