Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
