and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
