Please, let me fuck your mom
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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