So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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