I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
