i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
