I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
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