I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
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I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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