Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
