There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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