Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
