My girlfriend figured out who you are.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
