dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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