I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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