YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
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