dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
