I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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