I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I can't turn off my feet"
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
