VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
