Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
