my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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