So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
