This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
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