Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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