What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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